I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Any job is a dream job if you fall asleep in meetings. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out. I am not single, I'm romantically challenged. "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. ", "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. On the other hand, you have different fingers. ", "If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much. ", "Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid. You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don’t need. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. If you’re the smartest person in the room, go look for a room with smarter people in it. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. ", "The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them will win. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity it's the definition of parenting. "Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.". Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. "There are no bad whiskies, some are just better than other others. I considered being a stay-at-home mom until I realized the kids would be there. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. ", "Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally. A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look when you play the game. ", "I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. His name is Mr Johnnie Walker.

The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math. If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. ", "To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. ", "The less you talk, the more you're listened to.". ", "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. Don’t regret the past, just learn from it. ", "I am an Environmentalist. When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger. ", "It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed. Hatred, malice, rudeness, intolerance, and suspicion are the faults of weakness. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying "no hard feelings". I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. Whoever wants it back has no brain. ", "There is nothing better than a friend, unless there is a friend with chocolate. ", "Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding. The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. ", "Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't going away. Some people hear voices. ", "A generation which ignores history has no past - and no future.".

Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial. Thank you! I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments. ", "Those who can not change their minds can not change anything. Sometimes I’m normal, but I quickly tire of it, and become myself again.

I was going to start my diet next week, but I’ve got too much on my plate. Wildlife crime goes well beyond just a threat to endangered species but also has impacts on our society, economy and security. Wasting time is an important part of living. My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9. "Don't complain about the snow your your neighbor's roof when your own doorstep is unclean. Life is about creating yourself. Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you. He who hesitates is not only lost, but also miles away from the next exit. It's the funniest joke in the world. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. ", "Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. ", "I don't want to go to heaven. Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. ", "Good software, like good wine, takes time. ", "To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. ", "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. Never believe anything until it's been officially denied. The fact that a conflict has many sides does not imply that every side has merit. My favorite food will always be what you ordered. ", "I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. ", "If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport.". It’s just that the news coverage is so much better. Teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish. I can scramble Rubik’s Cube in under 5 seconds. I saw, I conquered, I came. "Between two evils always pick the one you haven't tried.".

I want to achieve it through not dying. ", "A writer needs a pen, a painter needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army. ", "Once you become predictable, no one's interested anymore. I was never a real dictator. "Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. Other just get wet.

Accident. My drug test came back negative. Morons. ", "I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. It’s hard to escape from your inner critic, especially when it never shuts up. She's very hot, and nobody else can see her.". "I've been called worse things by better people. I always take life with a grain of salt. ", "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. ", "Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery’? ", "Whoever does not miss the Soviet Union has no heart. ", "I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do to it. You haven’t experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish. "To some its a six-pack, to me its a support group. Learn from my parent's mistake. The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools. Occasional language. ", "He who has a why to live can bear with almost any who. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up? ", "The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life", "Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you’re going to be right. ", "Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. Life is too short to let someone else decide how you waste it. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Systems aren't made from metaphors, paradigms and methodologies. ", "I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. ", "Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them. Let us economize it.". ", "If I could do it all again, I'd be a farmer. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.